You deserve more

No one will ever love you.

How could a man possibly want to be with a girl such as yourself.

Without me you are nothing.

I made you who you are.

How dare you make eye contact with another man.

You feel different, you must be cheating, who is he?

You can't go to college, there are men there.

You are educated enough for a girl.

Why were you at this location, isn't that the town your ex lives in?

I am the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Take the password off your phone.

Share all your social media passwords with me.

Stop giving anyone else your attention.

Stop being around your family.

You are nothing but fat and ugly.

Those words and statements above I wish were made up, but instead they were my reality. Those were just a snapshot of my everyday life for 2 years. They were the words that backed me up so far against a wall I became apart of it. I sank into the background invisible to those around me while I fell to the hands of my abuser at 17 years old.

Today as I drove through a different town to get a change of scenery I passed by a street that still to this day haunts me. Every time I get stopped at that light I break down into tears and have anxiety. I picture the 17 year old me heading to the family's home she so loved to babysit for. I see the excitement and innocence of the night that unbeknownst to me at that moment would be snatched away within seconds by my abuser at 17. At that light I feel the heaviness of his words sink into me. I hear him screaming in my ears as if he is right up in my face all over again. My hands will forever shake as I turn the steering wheel to avoid that very street.

That night he called me almost a 100 times. Each time I missed one of his calls I was left with a nasty surprise, voicemails and texts filled with insults and slurs that should never be used. I was so brain washed that I believed each word until they became me. I thought I was a bitch for God forbid babysitting and not being with him. Shame on me for working for money that I needed. I made the mistake of picking up eventually once the kids were asleep. He over the phone forced me to put him on speaker when I told him the baby was crying so he could hear I wasn't lying. Even upon so he wouldn't apologize and demanded I never babysit for them again as he still believed I was with another man. When I reached his house that night I was greeted with unkind words, death stares and a chair facing him at the table. I was told to sit down and apologize until I was crying so hard I was going to make myself sick.

I wish I could say that those types of incidents were rare but they were a daily occurrence. If it wasn't babysitting it was because I had a headache and wouldn't do exactly as he said. Or he was jealous because I had given too much attention to the dog that day and not him. And how dare I not eat enough for his liking or act like I wan't enjoying myself fully. Any little thing set him off into a downhill spiral, destroying everyone and anything in his path along the way. No words out of my mouth were safe anymore. Clothes had to be approved by him. In stores I had to hold his hand the entire time and not make eye contact with a single soul. If I drove myself to his house he followed me home. Every single text that came through my phone while with him he read. Unwilling I became an open book for him to criticize and read at his enjoyment, and trust me when I say he did.

For 2 years I was nothing. I was nothing more then a puppet for him to play and move however he so chose. I was a young girl with a bright future that had now been clouded by the destructive spell he cast over me. I was his punching bag, an out for him from the pain of his childhood. I was him. I was everything he made me to believe. I was his perfect creation and he had me right where he wanted, until the day I realized I deserved more.

To the women enduring abusive relationships, you deserve more.

To the moms sticking it out for their kids, you deserve more.

To the girls staying with their cheating significant others, you deserve more.

To every single person in a relationship that feels helpless, unwanted and like someones personal puppet, you deserve more.

You are more then the words of your abuser that cut through you like a razor. You are someone without him and that someone is worth breaking free. To the world you may feel invisible but I see you, not only do I see you but I stand with you. You are not alone in this fight trust me, not even for a second.

You are beautiful.

You are more then enough.

You are strong, smart and brave.

You are a force to be reckoned with.

You are perfect the way you are.

You can do and be anything you want.

You are more then your abuse.

Your story does not end here.

And you my darling, you deserve so, so much more.

To anyone in this position currently especially during a stay at home order, please reach out. I will not judge you even for a second as I know what abuse does to a person. And to those who have been there, please share your stories. Women need to see they are not alone and they can break the mold.

And to my abuser, good riddance. As you can see I am someone without you. I am one hell of a mom and person worth knowing no thanks to you. I deserved so much better then your low blows and controlling ways. Your words do not define me, but your actions forever will as they are sprawled out on page upon page for all to read. You are nobody thanks to me.

I will not let pain turn my heart into something ugly like you. I will show you that surviving abuse can be beautiful.

~Perhaps when you thought you weren't good enough, the truth is you were over qualified....~