Will I come back?

My daughter is the queen of melting my heart. Between her puppy dog eyes, perfected pouty lip and everything in between, she can just about break me anytime. And while for the most part it is over something extremely loving or sweet, the other night as I tucked her into bed she said something that broke me for all the wrong reasons. As I kissed her goodnight she looked up at me and said, "Mommy I just never know if I'll come back."

They warn you parenting will change you. It will make you sleep deprived, wear your patience thin and fill your heart with more love then you could ever imagine. But I clearly must not of read the fine print before signing off to parent because I do not recall the section about them breaking your heart more then you can handle. In an instant my daughter managed to do just that.

At first I didn't know if I heard her properly but upon asking her to repeat it my heart sank deeper and deeper. I didn't want to believe what she was saying but as the word vomit spewed upon me, her worries quickly consumed my every being. I was paralyzed by the jabbing blows each one of her words unsuspectingly took at me. Just when my heart couldn't handle anymore the knock out of them all came, "I don't know what I would do without you." She's three. That's right, three. Not thirteen or thirty, three. Instead of worrying about what she wants to play tomorrow or what to have for breakfast, she's worrying about whether she will see her mom again or not.

What do you say to that? How are you supposed to feel? I sounded like a broken record as I said to her as I have many times before, I always come back. I couldn't help but feel as if I have failed my child. The one person they are supposed to be able to count on and turn to always is the same one they fear they may never see again. At three she has already lost some of her childhood and innocence, I would give anything to give that back to her. This isn't the way it's supposed to be.

Addie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have had to grow up and accept things much earlier then most your age. I'm sorry all you know is being shuffled back and forth between two homes. I'm sorry your little head is already filled with worries and fears much bigger then you, and ones you should never have to deal with alone. I'm sorry goodbye comes with the fear of forever for you. And most of all, I'm sorry your last thought before bed is "Will I come back." No child should ever have to go to sleep like that.

I know no matter how many times you hear it, you will still fear it. But my darling I promise I will always come back. I would break down walls, burn bridges, do whatever it took to get back to you. And just as you struggle with the thought of what would I do without you, I do too. I love you more then you will ever know. Goodbye's are not forever, they simply mean I will see you again.

So to your question of will I ever come back, yes. Always and forever my dear. I promise your room will be here waiting for you. Your bed filled to the brim with stuffed animals just how you like it, or on my bedroom floor where it has seem to of found a permanent spot. The basement will still be scattered in toys (partially because I don't feel like cleaning it up) and I will be anxiously awaiting the minute I get to see you. No matter how old you are I promise to still great you with the biggest hug and kiss, and trust me when I say I'll never let go. Whenever you need me my dear, I will be right here.

~A house isn't a home without you~