When the narcissist comes a knocking.

As I turn a new chapter in my life I can’t help but look back upon past pages. I know I know, you are never supposed to look back because you are only going forward. But so much of my past has made me who I am today. Let be clear though my past does not define me, rather it helps guide me. And if there is anything the past has taught me, when a narcissist comes a knocking, please promise me you won’t answer.

Now i wish it was as obvious as having the word narcissist plastered all over their body, but it’s not. You see thats the tricky thing, narcissist’s are professionals at disguising themselves. It’s their full time job and they do a damn good job at it. They all too often appear as the “prince charmings”, here to swoop up the helpless and innocent girl. They come in just at the right time, often when you are hurting most and need someone to “save” you. They see your vulnerability and thrive on it. And once they have you under their spell, good luck breaking it.

I was 16 going on 17 when I met my “Prince Charming”. I had just gotten out of a long relationship and was dealing with some personal things when I stumbled upon him. I fell for him, hard and fast. Silly me. But how could I not? He said all the right things, made me feel loved and appreciated and cared about me. At least so I thought. At least until I realized having all of that meant forfeiting over my every being. For three months he played the nice guy role well. Long enough for my family to like him, friends to wish they had that and for me to trust him (to an extent). And just when he had me exactly where he wanted, trapped in his web of lies, he revealed his true self.

Remember the part about friends wishing they had that, now it was more like what friends? Everyone was seen as a threat in his eyes. Instead of saying goodbye to a good friend leaving for the marines, I sat in his driveway till 1am crying and apologizing for even bringing up the idea of such a thing, begging for his forgiveness. And on Christmas Eve when an old high school friend said hi in line at the checkout at jewel, I was accused of cheating. Slammed doors, tears and screaming were under my Christmas tree that year.

Passwords no longer existed on any of my devices, privacy was a thing of the past and every little detail of my life was under surveillance 24/7. A trip to the store with a phone forgotten at home turned into an all day interrogation. Because god forbid I didn’t realize he was tracking my phone and GPS put me at a location he assumed was an ex boyfriends house. But no, it was my old work. A place I had been at all day but he wouldn’t believe until seeing my time sheet. And even upon so would still continue questioning me about it until I was in tears and unsure of myself.

In his eyes he had succeed at this point. He had taken that poor innocent girl and turned her into his dream. A women unsure of herself, hopeless and now completely alone, someone who needed him more then ever. Now he could place the blame on me about anything and I would accept it. Apologizing fully knowing I didn’t do anything but doing so to avoid a fight. He controlled my every move and thought.

And then one day the wake up call came. It had been 2 years of emotional and mental abuse and by now I thought it couldn‘t get any worse, but it did. We were watching a movie late at night when he got up to use the bathroom, he didn’t see my feet and tripped. I bet you can guess what happens next. He accused me of tripping him on purpose. He grabbed my wrists so hard it left imprints, threw me back on the couch, screamed right up in my face and then before I could see it coming, he punched my arm.

I left that night and never returned. Instead of loving him I now feared him. I changed my number, blocked him from all my social sites and tried my best to erase him from my mind. How could someone who loved me do that? How could I be so stupid to stick around and let it get to that point? Please promise me when the narcissist comes knocking, you won‘t answer.

As I turned 24 yesterday I thanked the good Lord above for all his blessings, one of the biggest ones being Him helping me leave that life behind years ago. Part of me is still broken from then. I struggle to trust and let people in, I question myself more then I should, but I am so much stronger now. And while he has tried many times in the past to slither his way back into my life, I refuse to open that door. The past is the past for a reason. I and my daughter deserve so much more. I hope and pray every girl he has and will be with since sees that for themselves.

To anyone going through this please understand it is not your fault. You do not need them and you deserve so much better. You owe it to yourself to walk no run away. Do it and never look back. Because trust me when I say it will get worse. It is not your job to fix someone who is broken far beyond repair. You will heal no matter how impossible that may seem.

When the narcissist comes knocking, please leave them be. Ain‘t nobody got time for that.

~Breathe darling. This is just a chapter, not your whole story.~