What could of been

If there’s one thing that gets to me besides the never ending guilt and anxiety, it’s the ever so troublesome thought of “what could of been.” Each day I try to wake up with the best possible attitude and get off on the right foot but by the end of the day when all is said and done, I find myself pondering on what could of been.

What could of been if I decided otherwise? What could of been if I didn’t let my anxiety get in the way? The list of questions goes on and on. And while I try to anwser these inquiries, I start to feel the horrible guilt creep up inside of me that I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mother or friend or whatever I may be. Each day I feel these things.

I want my child to have a childhood filled with adventure and wonderful memories but too often I feel as if I’m falling short. There’s days where quite frankly nothing goes right and when they do go left well, the world usually ends. A tantrum gets in the way, the weather doesn’t cooperate (seriously Mother Nature get your s*** together) or we just simply can’t seem to get out of bed. But on these days I stop and think all too often what could of been.

As mothers we put so much pressure on ourselves to always get it right. To always have it together, to be there on time and never fail. We set the bar so high that it is completely and utterly unachievable. But why? Why must we be this way? Is it society? Social media? Or just simply in our dna? If you ask me, I believe it’s a bit of all three.

You see we take our kids to the pool or beach and in our heads we have this idea of how it should go. A day filled with family fun and adventure. But is that how it usually ends? No. Usually there are tears, tantrums or sunscreen in the eyes that ruins the entire day. But then later we see a family who’s day went perfectly on social media and well, we struggle. We begin to question everything we did or didn’t and why our day couldn’t of been like that? Why couldnt we of been that perfect mom? Quite simply because we are not, and that’s okay.

No matter if the day goes right or not we will always question what could of been. But here’s the thing, if all the craziness that happened didn‘t, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Now whether you like where you are or not is another thing, but we always have the power to change anything. We don’t have to constantly question everything, we can rewire our minds to think differently. And yes that may take time but that’s alright, like they say, good things are worth waiting for.

Each day I struggle with being good enough or with whether I’ve done enough, but I’m working on it. I’m working on being more present and not letting my mind and thoughts consume me. For me it’s a somewhat painful process, having to rid myself of a lot of negative thoughts. But each day I am slowly feeling the change. And yes while change can often be painful, more times then not it leads us to roads we never could of imagined.

To all the moms questioning their every moves and their worth, you are amazing. Each day may not be good but some good can come from every day. Don’t be so hard on yourself when nothing goes right or your 15 minutes late, you’re trying and that’s what counts. And while it’s easier said then done giving advice then following it myself, let’s all work on it together. Let’s not set the bar and standards so ridicously high. Lets help eachother reach the top without feeling the need to knock someone else down. Moms you are incredible, stop making yourself feel like anything less. Live in the moment and let life decide the rest.

~Don’t stress the could haves. If it should have it would have.~