"Is it Mommy's or Daddy's night?" This question is almost a daily occurrence in our house. And depending on her mood for the day, the answer will either result in a jump for joy or a face plant to the ground in tears. Either way, you best brace yourself if you are within 5 feet when that question is asked.
As simple as that inquiry may seem, along with the answer a wave of guilt overcomes me. No matter how many times it has or will be asked, I still struggle with it. We all have this image or fantasy in our heads of what our futures will look like. For me, it was always the same and very simple; married with kids and maybe a dog or two, somewhere out in the country where our kids could run and play for what seemed like forever.
I suppose life thought I needed a reality check because no where in my vision did it have a single mom at 20, having to pass her daughter back and forth between two homes. Growing up I witnessed first hand marriages in my family pull out right from beneath their feet, before they could even realize what had happened. I saw the impression it left on their children and I promised myself I would never let that happen to my family. Wait for it, here comes reality again...SLAP!
The truth is though, we don't have complete control over our destiny. No matter how hard we may try, whatever is meant to be will be (if you started singing that song in your head after reading that, you're my new best friend).
For awhile I approached the two house hand off negatively. I was a pessimist and all I could see were the worst scenarios. I constantly thought about how damaging this was, and worried every time I handed her off as a baby she would think I was abandoning her. With each scream and cry for mommy I felt a piece of my heart getting slowly chipped away.
I struggled with the thought of missing out on important moments in her life. I struggled with the realization that another women would be taking care of my daughter. But most of all, I couldn't handle the thought that the one thing I was trying so hard to avoid, happened. My "picture perfect" family was now broken. How could I let that happen? How could I allow my daughter to go through that, especially at such a young age?
I was guilt ridden with the understanding that my daughter will have no memories of being with both parents. When she is older and looks back at pictures, there will be no images of mommy and daddy together with her. But you know what there will be? Photo albums filled to the brim with pictures of her with the people who love her the most.
A "picture perfect" family doesn't necessarily have to mean two parents together. All I want is for my child to feel loved. And if that means going to two different homes, having step parents or living with grandparents for bit of time, I'm okay with that. When my daughter looks back on her youth, I want it to be filled with beautiful and joyous memories.
Two homes no longer means I've failed. Two homes means two times the love, adventures and yes, two times the celebrations. What girl can say she gets two birthdays, two Christmases and two times the cake?! A little girl who is very loved that's who. And may I just say she seriously has a unrealistic expectation of parties (and I am perfectly okay with that).
Simply changing your mindset has the power to change your entire outlook on life. I still struggle with guilt and truth is I might always. However, knowing at the end of the day that I gave it my all for her will outweigh any of that guilt. Life may not always turn out how you envisioned or hoped it would, but that doesn't mean it still cant be beautiful. Our life's are blank canvases and we are the artists, take the tools you have been dealt with and turn it into a masterpiece you love. It is never to late to start again.
~Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful~
