Ever have one of those days were you have every and I mean every intention of it being great or going a certain way and within minutes that all goes completely out the window? As moms I think we can all agree we have our fair share of these days. And as normal as it may be to endure this, the feeling you are left with after is quite bitter. This past week my little girl tested me. She saw my last nerve and she touched it, oh she touched it and then touched it some more. More days then not this week I found myself crying in the shower. Today Addie I failed you and for that I am sorry.
We are officially halfway through September (eek) which means school is in full swing for the both of us. A new year school year means a busy schedule, lots of chaos and my patience worn thin. I teach 16 two/three year old’s and then come home to a three year old myself. Any patience I have is long gone out the door by the time I get home. And well, same for my daughter. After a day at school she is emotionally and mentally drained. Throw swim, dance and back and forth to her dads into the mix on some of those days and you are just asking for a hot mess. Cue the volcanic explosion we had this week.
I look so forward to the weekends (ask any teacher and they will agree), especially the ones where I have my daughter. This past weekend I had every intention of making it fun and carefree like our summer days but it went nowhere near to plan. A playdate with a cousin ended in the worlds biggest meltdown which spiraled into a weekend of tantrums. Hitting, kicking, whining, you name it, my daughter did it. My kid is no angel but this behavior was so far out of her norm.
For a while I tried to console her. Not because I can't watch her cry, but because I know her little body is so confused. A three year old doesn't know how to process and handle all these big emotions. They don't know how to properly express how they are feeling to adults. But when the consoling didn't help and the whines, screaming and tantrums escalated, that's when I failed you.
I could hear my voice progressively getting louder. I could feel myself losing the last bit of patience I was trying so hard to hold on to. And just like a volcano, I erupted. I yelled at you for whining so much, asked you to please stop crying and I told you I just couldn't take it anymore. Today I failed you Addie and for that I am sorry. I let my own feelings and emotions get the best of me and in the way of being the best mom I am so desperately trying to be.
Addie I tried. I promise you I try everyday but especially on those difficult days. But please understand those days are hard on me as well. It is not your fault that outside factors wear my patience thin before I see you. That my emotions towards everything going on around me and inside me sometimes blur my focus. I hope you understand one day just how much I truly do try. I mean they say what goes around comes around so, best of luck to you if you have a little girl one day...kidding (maybe not haha).
This past week was hands down the most difficult week. We both screamed, cried and were in time out multiple times. Take that back I wasn't, but I wished many times someone would put me in one so I could have some alone time. But shockingly we made it out with only a few gray hairs and bigger bags under my eyes (joys of motherhood). All jokes aside I walked away from this week with the best words of wisdom, which happened to come from my three year old (she is wise beyond her age). Addie told me as I was apologizing to her, "It's okay, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we forget things or don't do as we promise but that doesn't mean I love you any less. It happens to all of us and there's always next time."
As moms we are so focused on holding it together all the time. We too often feel like failures from losing it, judgment from others or not "measuring" up to another mom. But my daughter proved all of those doubts and fears wrong. Moms, we are enough. We are exactly what our kids need. Even in those moments of "failure", our kids still love us. Just as we accept and love our kids at their worst, they do the same for us. There is always next time to not lose your patience or understand them on their level. We make mistakes, we are human and that's how we learn. Be kind to yourself and quick to apologize when necessary.
Today Addie I failed you, but you took my moment of weakness and turned it into something beautiful. Thank you for always loving me, I promise to never stop doing the same.
