To the girl I used to be

As I have sat in this house for what feels like 10,000 days, I have found my mind wandering down memory lane. I want to say it's doing that to keep my mind off of the current situation in the world, but I think God is taking this time to force me to heal. I am one of those conceal, don't feel girls (yes I just quoted Elsa, Lord help me) so anytime I experience a shock to my well being, I push it way deep down below the surface. I started this blog a year ago as a healthy way for me to get those emotions out, and while it has brought me peace with most of my past, there's one part of it hasn't quite yet, me. So here is to the girl I used to be, dear 10 year old me.

Dear 10 year old me,

I see you so vividly in my memory, a girl full of spunk, wild & free and a mind filled with a million hopes and dreams. A girl who thought it was the coolest thing in the world to finally be in the double digits (man did that fade away fast). 10 year old me, I see you in elementary school surrounded by the group of girls you once believed would stand by you forever. You are beautiful, full of confidence and ready to take on the world so it seemed.

10 year old me, I so wish those character traits would of stayed with you. By the time you got to middle school that confidence of yours dimmed just a bit. Your thoughts soon became drowned out by the voices around you. Those same friends are now fighting, splitting up that group you tried to hold onto so tightly. What the boys think of you is slowly consuming you. By the time it's 8th grade graduation you are now insecure, completely unsure of yourself and would rather fade away then be seen. What happened to 10 year old me?

High school quickly became the worst 4 years of your life. For 8 hours a day you sat in classroom upon classroom just wanting to run home as soon as that bell rang. You weren't the popular girl or the nerdy girl, you weren't really anything. You met a boy who you thought loved you but in the end just screwed you over. For a good part of your junior year you sunk deep into a depression, one in which it felt like the entire world wanted nothing to do with you. Many nights you silently cried yourself to sleep wondering if this was all worth it. You worked your ass off however and graduated early. Along with your diploma you accumaliated body issues, lost faith in the trust of people and gained one too many deep emotional scars on the inside of you. And they say you only go to high school for a dimploma, ha. 10 year old me is now nowhere to be seen.

After graduation you decided to put college on hold because of your now deep dislike for school. You meet another boy. This one looks promising, he says all the right things and promises to love you forever. Dear 10 year old me, I wish you weren't so guilable and could of seen what the future held for you. Two years of "love" with this boy left you broken and abandoned on the side of the road. I wish you knew that love for him meant abuse. If only 10 year old me could of seen the narcissistic inside of him.

By now you are 19 and quickly diminishing to nothing. Dear 10 year old me, 19 will bring the greatest gift you will ever receive, but be prepared for the pain that will accompany along side it . As you slowly begin to pick yourself up off the side of the road, God sends you an Angel on earth. At 19 years old you find yourself pregnant and alone, and while many treated you poorly as a result, you felt your heart once again fill with love it was missing. 10 year old me, nothing in your life prepared you to become a single mom at 20, but when you see your little girl for the first time, I promise you none of that matters anymore. And as the years go by right before your eyes, that same sweet little face and smile will keep you stronger then you ever could of imagined.

Dear 10 year old me, you are 24 now and slowly starting to process and heal from the past 14 years. But guess what, you survived. Remember those nights in high school you couldn't see it getting any better? Or the way you felt so little and voiceless in that relationship? And let us not forget the battle with postpartum depression and all the pain that has followed since having your daughter. Yeah, all of that, you survived that. Every single moment you thought you couldn't, you did. Dear 10 year old me, you are so much stronger and braver then you once believed.

Dear 10 year old me, today you stand tall, helping so many others experiencing the same things you once did. You are voiceless no more and have found a new self love that was there all along, just buried too deep inside to see. Dear 10 year old me, you have a little girl who loves you more then you will ever understand, and that each day gives you a reason to breathe. While you may not always feel like it, you are beautiful, kind, funny, smart and strong. Dear 10 year old me, you should of never stopped believing those things.

Goodbye to the girl I used to be, you didn't know it then but you became one hell of a force to be reckoned with.

I wish like many others I could go back in time and forewarn myself for what the years to come would bring. It sure would save many a lot of pain and uncertainty. But we can't obviously, so instead I will choice to embrace the story of my life I told above. For too long I have let what I once felt and endured define me. I have held myself to too high of standards and let what others thought about me overcome my own voice. Today though, that is no more. And so with that I will end on this note:

Dear 24 year old me, I hope the next 14 years are everything you want them to be. But I know that if they don't go to plan like the last, you will be able to handle anything. 24 year old me is half of the girl I used to be. Take that strength, courage and heart of gold and shine your beautiful light brightly on this world. And don't ever forget, this too shall pass.

Dear 10 year old me, you persevered and made it. Be proud of who you are.

Love,

The sister, aunt, daughter, friend, niece, teacher and mom I am today instead.