To have and to heal.

To have and to heal from this day forward, amen.

As my parents went to bed that one July night I quickly rushed into the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I don't think I have ever ripped open a box faster in my life then in that moment. It was the summer and I was 19. A few months prior I had walked away from an abusive relationship, one in which left me all sorts of broken. But that didn't matter anymore because my life was about to turn around. I had a new job lined up come August and every intention of finally starting college. That was until I discovered I was late. Until I opened that box and after what seemed like the longest minute of my life, my entire world changed.

I sank to the cold bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face. How can this be? There is no way I read that correctly. I cannot be pregnant at 19. How am I going to tell my parents, yet alone do this on my own? I curled up into a tight ball and cried myself to sleep on that bathroom floor. The positive pregnancy test still clutched tightly in my hands and my mind racing with every scenario possible. A moment that for most is filled with joy quickly was becoming my worst nightmare of a reality. It was July, I was 19 and now pregnant and alone.

The bathroom floor become my bed for the weeks to follow. I isolated myself to my room and made my self sick more then enough times with my nerves. I couldn't face my parents knowing I had such a secret under wraps. All I could do in that instance was pray that it all would be okay.

I'll never forget the moment I first laid eyes on my baby. I was 9 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound was blurry and my baby looked like a bean but God was she perfect. I have never felt such relief to see that little heart beating so fast. Up until that appointment I had no clue, but looking at that baby on the screen I knew. God gave me this baby to have and to heal. And from that day forward, that is exactly what she did.

The next 9 months were lonely. Friends and family turned away. People said some things I will never forget and I was constantly having to prove myself. There were times I wanted to run back to my previous relationship. Even though he broke me I wanted to feel needed. I longed to have the comfort of familiarity. And if it wasn't for being pregnant with my daughter I would of, but the thought of her ever enduring such a relationship gave me the strength I needed to never return. While I thought this pregnancy was the end of my life, it was just the opposite, this pregnancy in turn saved me.

From each and every kick to the minute she was placed in my arms, this girl healed me. My life had purpose finally. The past began vanishing before my eyes and I finally felt like I was so much more then just the broken pregnant girl. And even though everyone kept telling me I couldn't do it, hand in hand I knew my daughter and I could. For this girl was mine to have and to heal from this day forward.

I often asked God "why me" during my pregnancy and for some time after. I mean He had to of known what my vision was and how the way in which He threw me was completely off course. Postpartum depression, custody battles, doing this alone and daily struggles were not my plan for a family. But as my daughter has gotten older I now understand His path less traveled for me.

Up until Addie I allowed others to silence my own voice. I cared too much what others thought and I let those feelings dictate my life. As a result I endured a relationship in which I beg to God my daughter never does. But that positive pregnancy test sparked the fire within me once again. Since her birth I am stronger then before and quite frankly, re-born.

God gave me this girl to have and to heal. To recover from my past and discover who I am all over again in a different light this time. He looked at me and thought I could use a purpose bigger then myself. God gave me Addie to use my voice to raise her up to be strong, kind, brave, outspoken and so much more. God gave me a second chance.

Being a good mother while my heart was breaking was the hardest role I have ever had to play, but from it I have raised a strong willed daughter. One in which not only healed myself but will one day heal the world. This was nowhere near my plan but I count my lucky stars every day for that. And while I know our road ahead will be filled with bumps, twists and turns like our past, I will face every obstacle with a smile on my face and the biggest miracle of them all in the comfort of my arms. Hand in hand we will heal every wound and no matter what, we will rise again. I love you more then all the stars and sky above us baby girl.

To have and to heal from this day forward, amen.

~And darling, I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant spending my life with you.~