The silence is deafening

Has your child ever begged or forced you to take them to one of those ridicoulsy over priced, over crowded and germ infested play places? You know the ones where you can pay $30 for your kids to pick up about every and any contractible disease know to man kind? Yeah, those lovely places. If the stench of sweat mixed with bodily fluids doesn't hit ya first thing when you walk in, the sound for sure will. For little kids they sure do a fantastic job of making those places sound more like a heavy metal concert then a afternoon playdate. Maybe if they came with alcohol like the concerts I would like them more (kidding...maybe). But no matter how loud it may sound, the deafening silence of being a single parent is worse.

I know what you are thinking, how can silence be deafening? Even more so, how do you not love and enjoy every moment of said silence? I mean don't get me wrong, after a long day a few moments of silence to unwind is great. But when the moments turn into hours, days, etc it isn't so much fun.

If you follow me on social media, you know this past weekend my daughter had her dance recital. And let me just take a moment to say if you have never gone to a kids recital, you need to. Their fantastic and all over the place dance moves are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. The auditorium was packed, the music was loud but.... the silence was deafening.

You see there were two shows this weekend, Saturday and Sunday, and it just so happened to work out that everyone coming from my family could go on Sunday. Awesome right? At least it was until I realized that left me alone for Saturdays show. Alone. Something no one wants to be, something everyone so fears. And trust me when I say I was somewhat dreading it myself.

Walking into the auditorium Saturday night I felt like the new kid walking into the cafeteria at school. The one no one wants to sit with and that everyone stares at while they find a spot alone in the corner. Granted Addie's class is full of wonderful families that are all welcoming, but they had their own families to sit with and if not they had their spouse. When I took my seat, the silence hit me. All at once the noise around me was drowned out and that horrible feeling of being alone slowly crept up and consumed me.

You see its not the the being alone part we struggle with, its the ever present silence. The silence that leads to the realization that there is no one to share our thoughts with. No one to vent to, ask for help or even enjoy life's precious moments with. Its you, and only you. And on days when all you want is to scream or cry or jump for joy, that silence is deafening. I sat for a good chunk of that recitial frozen in my seat by the silence. It wasn't until my little girl took stage that I could finally hear the world around me. The minute she took one look at me and waved, I didn't feel so alone anymore.

People often ask me what is the most challenging part of being a single parent and let me tell you, the list could go on forever. Certain aspects of everything is challenging in its own way. But the silence that is often felt when at events, kid free or when you've been stuck inside for days with this rain (and I thought the snow was bad), is by far one of the worst. Its an unbearable feeling that is hard to shake and a daily battle within yourself.

Being a single parent has taught me to stand strong on my own two feet. I am proud of all I have accomplished single handily but I still struggle with the silence, and that's okay. I am human. I struggle, I rise and somedays the silence is mere background music while others its all I hear. But the silence is real.

I am slowly learning to not fear the silence but embrace it. I went into her recital frozen with fear but left with my head up and standing strong. For I didn't let the silence keep me from what's most important, being there for my little girl. Little did she know while I was cheering her on, those little waves and kisses from her did the same for me. Each day she reminds me that even though I may feel alone, I truly am not. And while I wish I could shun out the silence, for now we will embrace it for what it is, for one day all it will be is a memory.

~Single parents don’t have it easy. They find a way to make it work, even when they don’t know how. It’s the love for their child that pushes them through, every single time.~