The mom guilt is real

Everyone strives to be the "perfect" parent. You know the parents that not only have their kids and their own life's together, but also make everything look effortless at the same time. Yeah, those parents. I had every and I mean every intention of being one of those before having kids but let me just tell you, it is hard as hell. Even on my good days as a mom I still struggle. Whether it be I was too hard on my daughter or feel as if I didn't hug her enough, the mom guilt is real.

Now I know what you are thinking after reading that last sentence, "really Lex, you feel guilty about possibly not hugging your child enough in a day?" I mean is there such a thing as a hug quota per day? Maybe, maybe not but yes I feel guilty about the smallest and most likely dumbest things. All moms do. At the end of each day we sit and sulk in our beds about all the things that could of happened or shouldn't of. The mom guilt is so very real.

Don't get me wrong being a parent is hard and trying regardless, but being a single parent puts a whole new level of pressure and stress on someone. On days when you have zero patience left or are just personally struggling, a single parent doesn't have that person to tag in. So what happens you ask? We push through. Or at least we try to until we lose it. And in losing it we do so in front of our kids. When what we tried so hard to hide it is all said and done, we feel guilty. Guilty for showing our weakness, for projecting that deep of feelings and emotions onto our kid and above all, for not being enough for them. On days when we try our hardest but continuously fall short, the mom guilt is real.

There have been more days then I would like that I have seen my daughter lose it, completely. And yes while some (okay a decent amount) have been over silly things like the color of her cup, others have been over some pretty huge emotions. As I struggle with the two house dynamic, so does she. She struggles with missing Daddy but not wanting to go there because then she'll miss me too, or the who's got me this day or that day question she ponders way more then she should. But what breaks my heart the most is the struggle she deals with to please us both. When she starts doubting that she is enough, the mom guilt is way too real.

I try, try, try and then try some more to always make sure she feels loved and like she is enough. But at the end of the day I question whether I expected too much of her during a breakdown, or wasn't supportive enough when the big emotions she's still learning to handle came out. I fear as if my life choices have messed her up somehow. She didn't ask for this life. She didn't ask for two homes or the crap that comes with that. God the mom guilt is so real and raw writing this one. It doesn't matter how many times I hear I am a good mom or I am enough, I still will struggle to believe that.

This past week we had Addie's school conference and upon leaving that, I feel as if maybe I haven't messed her up too badly (yet). Hearing your child is developmentally on track is one thing, but hearing your child is the one who always helps others, lends a hand to those who are crying and is in touch with others emotions so deeply is a whole different thing. Don't get me wrong her academic skills make me proud, but her social skills and empathy for others make me the proudest. I guess even on days when the mom guilt is so very real, I must be doing at least something right for my kid to be turning out the way she is.

Mom guilt is real. Whether you are a new mom, expert or expecting mother, we all feel it in varying degrees. And while I wish we didn't have to or it was just as simple as shooing it away, I hope moving forward we can learn to embrace it. Take that mom guilt and try to turn it into something positive. You may feel guilty for being too hard on your kids but when you hear the amazing human beings they are turning into, it will be all worth it. Keep doing what you are doing and try to doubt yourself less, I know that is a goal I will have for myself moving forward. The mom guilt is real, but I promise it will all be okay.

~My hope is that they will remember that mommy tried. Even when she was tired, even when she was stressed. I hope they will know that I did it all for them. That I had every intention of being great, good and grand, but that some days all I could be was okay.~

Photo credit to the amazingly talented Jillian Varnea Photography