The girl in the mirror.

The girl in the mirror, I see her, boy do I see her ever so clearly. I see her standing there staring at herself. Looking herself up and down and then again and again. I see her grabbing her stomach, jiggling her thighs and checking out her hips. I see as she continues to stare the smile on her face slowly begins to fade away until it is no longer there. Instead I now see the color of her start to drain and tears begin to run down her face. Her mind is now consumed with the thoughts of how fat and ugly she is. For the rest of the day the girl in the mirror will work out, eat less, weigh herself and then repeat over and over again until she believes she is worthy enough. That girl in the mirror, that girl was once me.

I can remember from a young age people commenting on my body. I recall being asked by grown adults how much I weighed during my soccer playing years as I was what they called "sturdy" on the soccer field. I was looked down upon by other girls because I wasn't like them. You see girls are supposed to start out as and remain a size zero. They need to be stick thin, big boobs, nice butt and a pretty face. And the girl in the mirror, she wasn't like that. No she had hips, curves, curls and so much more but none of that mattered. If you weren't just like the others you were considered fat or ugly, and sure as hell weren't on the hot side of those silly hot or not lists notorious middle school boys created. That girl in the mirror began her struggles in early middle school.

By the time high school came around she found herself constantly being compared to other girls. She got the side eye for even having the nerve to be friends with girls who were clearly above her. She was practically invisible to the boys and just didn't fit in. The comments about her body were now constant. Gym class weigh in's brought a whole new level of anxiety to her because of course everyone shared their weight and were judged if they gained. The girl in the mirror worked out vigorously and ate no more then she "should". The fire that was once inside of her slowly began to disperse.

After graduation she assumed all the pressure and nonsense would go away, but it turned out some wounds were just too deep to heal. Her new boyfriend wanted her to remain small, she wasn't allowed to gain any weight at all. At work she found herself surrounded by women talking daily about dieting and commenting on her small statue. Pretty soon she found herself surrounded by the nonstop comments of "you need to eat more", "go eat a hamburger", etc. How is that girl in the mirror supposed to feel about herself when the entire world has something to say? Who is that girl in the mirror now anyway?

Pregnancy added more fuel to the fire for the all the voices but hers. I wasn't even 3 months pregnant and had already been told by multiple people to not be like "those" pregnant women. You know the ones who let themselves go and gain a bunch of weight. I was told I was too young to "destroy" my body in such a way. By the end of my pregnancy those same people now contradicted themselves, those same people were now the ones shoving food in my face telling me to eat and gain. Can people please already just leave that poor girl in the mirror alone.

Once her sweet little girl was born she stood in that same mirror and now screamed. Her body was no longer anywhere like it used to be. She hated herself. She hated the way she looked in that damn mirror. That hate for her body fueled her postpartum depression, it thrived on her self esteem. Before she knew it that girl in the mirror was now under 100 pounds. She was criticized, called a skeleton and all the sudden being repeatedly questioned if she eats. Do you see what body comments and negativity did to that sweet innocent girl in the mirror, now when she stands she is barely even there at all.

Here's the thing, I am 24 now and still struggle and probably always will as a result of it all. While I have learned to love and embrace my body, I still hear the remarks and comments of all those voices when I look in that same damn mirror. I hear them when I look at my hips, stomach, thighs and pretty much all of those "difficult" areas. And it shouldn't be that way. That girl in the mirror should never of been put through all that, but she was, and so are so many other young girls and women around the world. Society feels the need to label each and every one of us from day one.

If you are a girl mom or even a boy mom for that matter and want to know how to talk to your kids about their bodies, here's how, don't. The minute you open your mouth and speak to them about their bodies, you leave labels on them. Every time you remark about their food choices or not wanting to exercise you create unnecessary guilt and anxiety. And please for the love of God do not and I repeat do not make them finish everything on their plates, you my friend are creating eating issues and insecurities for them down the line. If they are full, they are full, leave them be. I don't care what the scale, doctor or complete stranger says, you tell your kids every damn day they are beautiful and you build them up. The world will be waiting to tear them down, but unlike that girl in the mirror, if they get a running start, they will be less likely to fall apart.

And to anyone who has or still does feel the need to comment on anyone else's body then their own, do us all a favor and shut up please. I know for so many struggling with eating disorders or those looking to lose weight this quarantine is hard. Please don't beat yourselves up over this. Take this time instead to embrace who you are, I know easier said then done. But that girl in the mirror, she once was you, and now she is proof it can get better for you too.

Do not tell that girl in the mirror to eat, stop eating, work out, make healthier choices or any such foolishness. Do not tell that girl what to do period. That girl in the mirror is exactly what she needs to be.

And today that same girl now stands in the mirror next to her daughter, making sure that little girl knows she is absolutely perfect whatever way she may be. The girl in the mirror may have been beaten down once or twice before but she is far from broken, she is beautiful.

~And as for my daughter, I will raise her to believe she can breathe fire.~