I see you sitting in the driver seat next to me. Your hair pushed back the way it always was, one hand on the wheel and eyes anywhere but on the road. The smell of your cologne over takes me, still to this day I can smell it when I picture you. It was Christmas Eve and as usual we were out making our final stops for your shopping list. You were a bit of a procrastinator, but that's not all you were. Twas the night before Christmas and on our final stop, this night soon became the longest one of my life.
As we entered that store you immediately grabbed hold of my hand, not in a sweet and loving way but in a, "you best not dare leave me" kind instead. It didn't even alarm me for a second as this was my normal with you. Not allowed to go anywhere in a store by myself, or yet alone look at another person. The goal was to get in and out quick as can be and we were on track to do so, until we hit checkout.
There at the end of the checkout line in the bagger spot stood a guy I went to school with for many years. A guy I was even friends with for quite some time until schools took us separate ways. In an instance fear over took my body. I became sweaty, my face as red as Rudolph's nose and if it weren't for his tight grip, I would of turned and ran out the door. But I knew in that instance my fate was inevitable.
I tried my best not to look that way, to pretend I didn't see the person standing right there in front of me. But he did, and he said hello. The minute I said hello back I knew what kind of night I was in for. Your grip became a bit stronger and your face filled with disgust. I thought the bags were going to tear as you ripped them out of his hands and pulled me like a 4 year old out of the store. You know the same way a mom does when her kid has been throwing a tantrum on the floor over something silly, but me, I did nothing but say hello. And in return I was thrown out of the store like a dog on the streets.
I'm pretty sure the entire neighborhood heard your car door slam that night. Everyone in that parking lot saw you throw your bags as hard as can be into the trunk and speed away. I wish I could say that was the worst of it and by the time we reached home you had cooled off, but no. Instead that car ride home you sat and spewed, examining every single moment of that encounter over and over again in your head, until you couldn't separate what really happened from what didn't. All I could do was sit there frozen in my seat knowing what was to come as you looked me up and down with utter disgust.
It was 10:45 at night when we walked through the front doors of my home. Your suffocating grip around my arm immediately lead me down into the basement. Upon arrival I was forcefully "sat" down on the ground facing you. I remained in this same position for what felt like hours as you interrogated me. As you tore down my every sense of being and comfort over a simple hello. I couldn't look away, I couldn't bury my face no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much you made me feel ashamed of who I was.
It was well past midnight by the time you were said and done with me. You stomped up those stairs and left me absolutely broken on the basement floor. I begged you to forgive me for being so dumb to say hello, I even begged you to love me and that is the saddest thing I have ever done. As you walked out of my house that night I laid in bed shaking, overcome with anxiety as I cried myself to sleep, praying you would respond back to my millions of texts yet again apologizing over nothing. Merry Christmas to me.
I continued to endure your never ending shit cycles for another 5 months, 2 years in total. And while this particular moment was 6 years ago, it will forever reside with me as the worst Christmas in my eyes. I hope and pray every day my daughter never even for a second feels as worthless as I did to you in that moment, as you crumbled me up into a tight ball of garbage and threw me to the curb for anyone's taking.
To this day I will never forget the look of pleasure, satisfaction, and pure joy you portrayed so proudly on your face that night, as I sat there crying so hard I almost threw up multiple times. I will never forget how vulnerable you made me feel as I opened my phone up in front of you and deleted all social media, saying goodbye to any ounce of privacy I had left. But most of all I will never forget the Christmas you gave me slamming doors, horrific words and endless tears underneath the tree.
And while they say you fall in love three times in your life; the first looks right, the second is a lesson and the third lasts, here is my two cent; if at any point you need to beg someone to love you or forgive you for even breathing wrong, its not love. I don't care whether it is your first, second, third or even fourth time, it's not love. The kids will be okay, life will go on and you will heal if you choose to leave. You deserve to be happy and content again no matter what anyone says.
There is life after abuse, trust me. 6 years later and I spent Christmas Eve underneath the tree with my beautiful little girl. She is the one I credit to saving me, to giving me the strength to always want better for myself and to never return to a life such as the one I had before her. She is the reason Christmas each year will forever look beautiful and magical in my eyes, even with the ghost of Christmas past in the back of my mind.
I want to wish everyone a very Merry (late) Christmas and a New Year filled with the promise of a better tomorrow, however that may look for you. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you ever need anything at all. Remember this too shall pass and be kind to yourself, please.
"There is promise in every new dawn. Promise of a new start, new chances, new opportunities and new hope. Always remember the promise."~ Doe Zantamata
