There are plenty of firsts in life that spark great joy in us. Whether its our first kiss, our child taking their first step or running our first marathon, they all have the power to make us feel a certain kind of happy. Contradictory there are firsts that have the power to bring us to our knees.
My daughter had just turned two when I experienced one of those earth shattering firsts. Her father and I had been in a two year custody battle that had exhausted us both to no end. Part of me was relieved to see an end in sight, while the other part of me was filled with pain and fear of the unknown for what was to come.
The months leading up to that court hearing I cried myself to sleep, most times holding my daughter in my arms. Here was this sweet little girl whom I had carried for 9 months, gave birth to and had poured my heart and soul into, completely unaware to what was about to happen.
I prayed. I prayed harder then I ever had in my life for things to work out. I begged God to give me the strength I needed to get through this, as most days even getting out of bed was a challenge. The day of the hearing I wished I was Dorothy, I wished I could just click my red ruby slippers together and transport to another place so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.
I was at work when I got the call from my lawyer. I remember excusing myself to take the call and when it was over, not wanting to return back. The outcome was not at all what I was hoping for. It was not the one I had fought so hard for. I tried my hardest to hold it all together as I returned to work, but when asked how it went, the flood gates opened up and tears came pouring out.
I cried. I cried so much I could of brought any state out of their drought. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't even put on a strong face for my daughter. I remember getting home from work that day and just collapsing to the floor in tears, grabbing hold of my daughter and never wanting to let go. My world got sucked up into a tornado that day and when it finally got spit out, it was scattered on the floor in a million pieces.
If there was anything I learned from that first though it's this, your downfalls do not define you, what defines you is how you chose to take that horrible moment in your life and flourish from it. It is okay to admit defeat. It is okay to cry, scream, or curse the world at the top of your lungs. It is okay to hurt. We are only human. But when you are done hurting, you have to get back up. Take that pain, anger or whatever it is you are feeling and use it as your stepping stone to something greater.
I let that moment and many moments since that ruling hurt. But each time I have found the strength in myself to get up and keep pushing forward. I know it may seem like your world is over but I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, find it, grab hold of it and don't ever stop until you reach it.
"You must do the thing in which you think you cannot" ~ Eleannor Roosevelt
