Mental health matters

May is the month of wonderful things; flowers in full bloom, warmer temperatures and the opening of the pools (except this year). But May is also the month of something very near and dear to not only my heart but thousands of others. May is mental health awareness month and this week more specifically focuses on maternal mental health. Whether you are a mother or not though, mental health matters for all and should be treated as so.

Depression is something I have battled throughout most of my life. I like to think of it as a roller coaster ride. When I am up, I am really high up there and as happy as can be, but once I go down that slippery slope, I am down deep. It is pretty much rock bottom from there.

I have first hand witnessed family and friends battle this disease and as well lost someone near and dear to me as a result. Mental health matters, please yell that louder for the people in the back.

I began my ride with depression starting in high school, more specifically my Junior year. A boy I thought I knew well and trusted did something cruel with his friend to me. Thankfully I caught it soon enough to do damage control on the outside but on the inside it was too late, I was destroyed. Family members turned their backs on me and refused to talk to me. I was constantly questioned, accused and in trouble for every little thing I said or did after that incident for awhile. I felt as if the world had turned pitch black on me.

For the months following the incident I sunk into the deepest depression I ever have. Every night I went to bed and cried myself to sleep, silently screaming into my pillow. I prayed before bed for God to end this misery and thought of more then enough ways to take away the pain. On the darkest night of it all I wrote my suicide note and tucked it under my pillow before falling asleep.

For awhile I gave credit to my abuser for pulling me out of that depression. After all he was the prince charming that saved the girl from drowning. That was until I found the strength from within me to leave that relationship, to walk away from the mental and emotional abuse once and for all. I realized then and only then I was the one who saved myself. I'm not quite sure how I did it or what made me chase that light at the end of the tunnel but I am sure as hell glad I did.

Upon breaking free I again felt myself slowly inch back onto that same damn roller coaster that almost took my life. I didn't recognize myself after being thrown to the curb. I didn't know who or what to believe anymore. And then God gave me a reason to live. He gave me a reason to fight and stay alive, He gave me my little girl. She is the one who truly saved me. Without her I don't know where I would be.

That precious baby girl gave me so much but at the same time sank me a little bit deeper. When she was 3 days old I began to feel the baby blues as they call them. I went days were I didn't smile and if I did it was the most forced thing ever. I put up a front so others wouldn't see I was struggling behind closed doors. I counted the hours, minutes, seconds to bedtime and would just sit and cry in the shower. I lost a lot of weight and felt myself falling apart as the world around me started to yet again cave as I approached the beginning of a custody battle. It is horrifying to think there can be such dark days after the happiest moment of your life.

What frightens me even more though is that suicide is the number one killer of women postpartum. During our pregnancy we endure multiple visits to check on the baby and our own health, but once that baby is born, there is only one visit to check on us. That's right, one 6 week postpartum checkup for mommy and that is it. And while everyone oohs and ahhs over our new baby, we are left to sit and struggle in silence just like thousands of others do who struggle with depression. When are people going to get it, MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS.

It has been 3 years since my battle with any form of depression. I like to think my daughter is the reason behind that as having a baby changes you completely. You look at that sweet face and want nothing more then to see them smile and make them feel loved. Before her I didn't feel I had a purpose, I didn't see a reason to keep waking up every morning. But Addie, Addie is all the strength and reason I will ever need. She makes life worth living.

Depression is a roller coaster ride, sometimes its as simple as stepping on and off while others it is the longest and most difficult ride of your life. And just because you are off the ride doesn't mean you still won't feel the aftermath come and go in waves. You will still have your good and bad days, days in which you are struggling more then you would like to admit or others where you feel on top of the world. All of that is okay. It is okay to battle daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly with depression. It is a life long roller coaster ride with no official end. People need to understand that you can't just step off of it and it will be all good forever.

If you are struggling or have in the past know I am here for you. There is no reason to be ashamed and I am sorry this world has made you feel that way. I wish the world talked as openly about depression as they do the kardashians. I wish ways to help those cope were handed out as easily as drugs. And I wish this world as a whole would put more focus and funding into mental health so we don't have to lose another new mom, loved one, friend etc to suicide. I wish mental health mattered to everyone as much as it does to me. Until we help those in need we will continue to see a rise in mass shootings and suicides.

This May I ask you to please be kind to everyone as you never know what they are battling behind closed doors. Depression is a real and scary thing, but with the support of family and friends it doesn't have to be. This quarantine is taking a toll on those struggling so much more then anyone else. Please please check on your friends, neighbors, anyone. Reach out in anyway you can and let them know they are not alone. You never know that one text may just save someones life.

I see you, I love you, you are enough, your life matters and please don't stop fighting. That light at the end of the tunnel will be so worth it. Believe me when I say you have a purpose and you are here for a reason.

Please feel free to share your stories with me or publicly to help raise awareness during this month of may. Lets make the topic of depression way less taboo and shine a light on a very deserving cause. And please do reach out to me or seek therapy in anyway if you are struggling.

~"Promise me you will always remember: you are braver than you believe, and stronger then you seem, and smarter than you think"~ Christopher Robin to Pooh