Picture being in a hot sauna dressed in your winter clothes but instead of sweating, you have the chills. Imagine not eating in days and having a plate of food in front of you, but instead of being hungry, you're sick to your stomach. Anxiety isn‘t always so obvious to the naked eye. It is so much more then panic attacks and for people like myself, it is a constant uphill battle. Living with anxiety is unfortunately my "normal" just like many others, however it's something seldom talked about.
Anxiety is nothing new for me, I like to call it my old "friend". It's the kind of friend that is always just kind of there, only showing up to make their presence known at the worst time possible and disrupting your life as best as they can. Yeah, the kind of friend that no one wants to associate themselves with, yet alone be with. But for people like myself who struggle with anxiety, this "friend" is impossible to shake. Some days it's just in the back of my mind, while others it consumes my whole being.
Since having my daughter my anxiety has skyrocketed. At night it keeps me up for hours, if not majority of the night. I find myself laying in bed wide awake at 2am worrying about everything that could go wrong tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. And when I do finally fall asleep, my old "friend" likes to join in my dreams, turning them into nightmares. The other night I awoke in panic and rushed to make sure my daughter was still in her room, and then upon doing so couldn't go back to sleep. From that dream stemmed a whole new level of fears and worries. On my bad days, my "friend" is inescapable.
My daughter isn't the only thing though that sparks my anxiety. Work, school, family and personal matters add fuel to the fire. Let me put it this way, anything that impacts my life has the potential to cause me anxiety. When something isn't going right in my personal life I get sick to my stomach, get the chills, have zero appetite and am more then irritable. I overthink the situation in my mind until I've pretty much thought out every possible outcome at least 3 times. I over analyze what could of been or what should of been and then continue replaying those in my mind.
For me anxiety is so much more then a panic attack. Anxiety is losing sleep, worrying, overthinking and missing out on things because I just can't do it. I avoid large crowds or situations where I will be by myself or with a group of people I don't know. I am continuously super organized because if I'm not, I will have an anxiety attack. I need consistency and routine in my life to calm my nerves.
Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed about it. You don't deserve to be loved any less or treated any differently because of it. Don't let people tell you, you are too much to handle or difficult. Anxiety is just apart of who you are, it does not define you. It is okay to admit defeat on your difficult days or to just crawl into bed and shut the world out for a bit. You need to be okay, put yourself first when needed. Let's end the stigma with anxiety and path the way for more open and understanding conversations about it.
