Into the unknown.

Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM!

I roll over in bed to see two big eyes and a sweet smile staring back at me. I take a peek at the alarm clock, it reads 7:15, although I swear I haven't slept a wink so it seems. I feel my eyes begin to close yet again until they are quickly poked by two little fingers. Another shout of my name and nudge from behind reminds me its clearly breakfast time, obviously. Any other day I would of jumped out of bed, but today, today I am stuck. My vision is overcome by a daze and my head begins to fill with a fog I would say. The kind you often encounter on your early morning commute that blinds the road ahead and behind. Today I am stuck in the unknown of whats to come.

With each passing day there seems to be a change. One minute this is safe and okay and the next we are back at square one all over again. I try as best as I can to be excited and prepared for the year ahead but as a teacher my heart is just breaking. Those classrooms of ours will look so very different, that is if we return at all come fall. And as a mom the decision to send or not is enough to send you on a downward spiral. All I know is that as we head into the unknown, please be kind and respectful to those around you.

The other day on our way home we passed by my daughter's school. As she gazed out the window at the abandoned playground that once filled her days, I caught sight of tears streaming down her cheeks in my rear view mirror. Her words became quiet along with mine and soon the silence was overcome with the sound of sniffles. Nether of us saying a word as we passed by as we didn't have to. I knew what was on her mind as it was on mine too, come fall we want to go back but deep down inside we know the truth.

We have made the hard decision for her not to return come fall. And when I say hard I really mean it. This fall she was supposed to be entering Pre-k, the room she has been trying to walk into since the day her preschool journey began. At 2 years old each day she came in she tried her hardest to sneak away every time I turned around. With a laugh and drag back over I would say, "you'll be there before you know it", and look, here she is. Her countdown to Pre-k has ended and on the doorstep to that room she now stands more excited then ever. My mom heart is shattered at having to tell her she'll have to wait just a little bit longer. I'm so sorry my sweet girl, this isn't how it's supposed to be.

In September you should be taking your first day of school pictures right along side me, princess backpack and school bow in tow. In my head I can picture that huge sweet smile of yours as I kiss you goodbye and bid you farewell. This year was supposed to your year, the one you have waited and worked so hard for. Another year with amazing teachers and wonderful friends, countless memories had as well.

Each night I lay in bed awake as you sleep wondering if I am making the right decision. If I am doing enough to not only keep you safe but happy. With one breath I worry for you and the next for my own students health and safety. Being a mom and teacher right now is a double whammy from hell.

These decisions are not even remotely close to being easy to make. In a single day we feel just about every emotion possible to man kind. We are stressed, scared, anxious,

angry and upset above anything. Please do me a favor and not judge another mom's decision come this fall. Do not take it out on your kids teachers or administration, they are doing the best they can in uncharted territory. Be kind to those around you as you don't know what someone may be going through.

To all my moms and teachers (or both) out there, breathe. It will all be okay in the end and we will get through this. You know your babies best so please do not second guess yourself for a second. You are doing all you can and that is more then enough. Come fall we will head into the unknown in whatever way deemed safest and come out on the other side that much stronger.

And to my little girl, I hope years from now when you look back on these years and decisions made you will be proud of me. I promise none of them were easy but I put you first in them always. I wish you so much more this school year but we will take the cards we have been dealt and make the best of it. I may just need to stock up on a bit more wine this year but hey, that's okay. We'll get through home school one way or another. I love you more Addie girl.

And last but not least, in the words of Nemo, "Just keep swimming." Sending so much love and strength to you all.