I wish.

There are days I wish I could hold onto those sweet little hands and never let go. That I could somehow freeze time or reverse the clock and change the way things ended up.

I wish some days we didn't have to count the hours or say the difficult goodbyes. That I didn't have to wipe the tears from your eyes and hold back the ones in mine. I'd hold you in my arms forever if I could, I promise you that.

I wish I didn't have to on days like today pull your hands off of mine as I buckled you in, then watch helplessly from the front lawn as you drive away with tears streaming down your face. I know you will be more then okay and back soon enough once again, but God does it hurt.

I wish I was the one who got to tuck you into bed every night, or at least be in that room too. The one who experiences every single moment possible with you like a mom should. I wish I didn't feel the need to compete with another women for your affection and attention, as selfish as that seems. I wish some days I didn't feel the sting of those words and moments you shared with her instead of me. I wish I didn't miss out on those motherly things.

I wish holidays and birthdays didn't have to be so damn painful. That we could spend them fully together without a care in the world. Without having to watch the clock or miss out on things due to time constraints. I wish some days your life was simpler.

I wish you'd ask me the typical kid questions instead of the difficult ones that break my heart into a million pieces, and that that sweet little mind of yours didn't have to worry about things far beyond your reach. It's days like today I wish I could of given you a normal childhood, and that I hope and pray you don't have to recover from this one.

I wish you knew how hard this is on me too. I wish you understood that some things are just out of my jurisdiction, no matter how badly it stings. If only you could see the pain I feel inside when I have to pry those tiny fingers from mine, wave goodbye and shut the door inside. Especially on those days when you are asking me repeatedly to take you back inside or telling me you want to stay with me. A piece of my heart shatters inside every time a pickup ends that way between you and I. I wish you knew that behind that brave face of mine is so much damn pain for you inside.

While I wish some days I could turn back the clock and choose a different path for you and I, I know that isn't possible. And I know if I could, odds are it wouldn't lead me to you. So on days like today that I struggle deeply with my decisions and co parenting, I hope you can see this is all for you. That every tear, loss of sleep and struggle is to help you live a better life, no matter how much it destroys me along the way. I hope you can see that despite it all, I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant getting to spend the rest of my life with you.

I hope you see later in life why I had to say no to you when you sometimes needed me or didn't want to go. I hope you understand why things had to be the way they were. And I hope you hold no anger or regret towards me for all of this. I love you more then you will ever know baby girl, I hope throughout your life you always feel that and nothing less.

My hope is that one day you will remember that I tried. Even when I was tired, even when I was stressed. I hope you will know that I did it all for you. That I had every intention of being great, good and grand, but some days all I could be was okay.

I hope you know you are my every wish, hope and dream come true. And that I wish you a life bigger then your wildest dreams.