Today I could hate you. I could curse your name a million and one times and then a hundred more. I could fume with anger over our past and the memories that are forever scared in my memory. I could scream in your face for how you have impacted all of my relationships since. But today, I will chose hope over hate. Today I will hope that you get the help you so badly need. I hope you find peace in your life and most of all, I hope you never put another girl through what you did to me. Today I choose hope.
This past weekend my boyfriend and I went on a quick little (and much needed) getaway to Dallas. We spent the weekend watching me geek over all things Chip and Joanna Gaines and enjoying some amazing food. However when the time came to fly home my stomach was in all sorts of knots. My anxiety was higher then it has ever been and more times then not I felt myself shaking in the airport. Not because I don't like flying or anything, but because of the chance of seeing him. Him as in my abusive ex, who just so happens to be a pilot for the airline we were flying. And while I knew I was safe, the thought of running into such a person made me want to get sick.
Sitting there in that airport I hated him more then I have ever. Here I am in a wonderful relationship and yet he somehow still has "control" over me. I couldn't even enjoy the end of a vacation without thinking about my past. As the memories replayed vividly in my mind my stomach turned more and more. What was I supposed to do if he was on that plane? I'll tell you if he was I wanted to run. Run away as far and as fast as possible. When they called last call to board I thought I was going to be sick. Walking onto that plane my entire past flashed before my eyes and at that moment I chose hope over hate.
As I stepped onto the plane I was immediately greated by the pilot and flight attendants, to much of my relief none of which were him. However my stomach and mind still didn't settle until almost the end of the flight. I realized the trick to breaking the grip of your ex's control is to let go of any hate, anger or resentment you may have. Because in reality, your ex isn't holding you back or ruining your moments, you are.
By simply replacing the word hope with hate your entire mindset changes. I thought of all I would say to him before getting on that plane, how much I hated him and regretted our past but none of that matters anymore because the past is in the past. Instead I hope he is happy with his life. I hope he has found peace from his past and I hope his own personal scars are healing. But I will say I hope I never run into him.
As for myself I hope with continued time any remanding "grip" I feel of him will subside. I am hopeful for my future, whatever that may be that God has in mind. I am hopeful my daughter will have a beautiful life, surrounded by nothing but endless love. And I give thanks for the power hope had on me to move on years ago and find exactly what I need. Today I will choose hope over hate.
