All I want for Christmas is you

Growing up I always loved the holiday season, Christmas in particular. I mean what kid doesn't love getting presents?! But for me it was so much more. Christmas meant getting to spend time surrounded by family, driving around looking at Christmas lights and soaking up every ounce of that magic in the air. When I became a mom I couldn't wait to pass on those same traditions to my little girl and sit back and watch the twinkle in her eyes at the beauty of all things Christmas. But that dream of doing so came with a not so small fine print. You see along with my child came a piece of paper that dictated I only get her on Christmas morning every other year. And while that is only fair to both parents, it is a blow to the gut that hurts more then you can imagine. All I want for Christmas this year is you.

I have been fortunate and blessed enough to of had the last three Christmas mornings with my little girl, which as you can guess makes this first Christmas that much harder. By now I am usually full swing into the Christmas spirit. My nights would include hallmark Christmas movie marathons no matter how cheesy or predictable they are and we would of seen almost every light display in our neighborhood twice by now. But unlike past years, this year I'm finding it hard to get excited or in the mood. And just when I do, I am reminded this year will be unlike any other year.

This Christmas I will go to bed with an empty house. There will be no little hands to put out Christmas cookies for Santa or eager ears listening at the window for the sound of Santa's sleigh bells. I won't be woken up to the sound of pitter pattering feet running to my door followed by the excited screech of "wake up mommy it's Christmas". This year I won't get to witness the twinkle in her eyes as she heads down the stairs and sees the presents under the Christmas tree. There will be no 6am unwrapping of gifts. I don't care what may be under the tree this year for me, all I want for Christmas is my little girl.

The holidays are always the hardest part for us single parents. Between the emotional and financial aspect, the most wonderful time of the year quickly becomes the most isolating time. The silence is deafening, the thoughts of what could of been are running through your mind constantly and the guilt of the childhood your child is having because of you is in full swing. I ask this Christmas for those who don't co-parent to please soak up each and every moment with your child, not just on Christmas but every day. I know the 6am or earlier wake up call may be "annoying" but please don't take that for granted. Imagine having it one year and then the next your house being completely silent. And please, while we appreciate the sympathy, do not ask us in person on Christmas eve how we are doing. As I will speak for myself in saying it is already hard enough to hold back tears when asked about Christmas, please do not remind me anymore I am childless this year.

The holiday season has just begun and I already find myself wishing it away. Wishing for next Christmas when this pain will be no more and I will have my little girl. But then that means yet another year has come and gone and she is that much older. I am not sure what is worse, the pain of not having her this year or the realization time is going way too fast with her, and that most of that time has been spent dealing with custody things and the emotional turmoil as a result. This Christmas all I want is her but since Santa can't make that happen, I will rely on God for strength and make the best of this holiday season.

Christmas morning will be hard but I can promise you this, when she gets home I am going to make this the best Christmas ever for her. Her tree may not have the most presents under it this year or the biggest gifts, but it will have lots of family under it waiting to give her more love then she'll ever know what to do with. Merry Christmas Addison, you are the best gift under the tree today and everyday. I love you Angel.

~May this Christmas Santa fill your tree of life with presents of happiness, joy and love.~